i don't want to be visiting you at your grave.



said my boyfriend.

I explained to him the things I do...the pills I take and the thoughts that run rampant through my head.
I know what's wrong with me. I know the actions I take...AND I know the root cause of all my issues.
But does that stop me? No.
Because I don't want help....but yet I do.
I enjoy my sickness far more than I enjoy being "normal".
I told him because it's the right thing to do...and I wanted to be honest. But I don't want him to save me....because then I would've failed in my "mission" so to speak.

I also told my dad.
For once...we had a conversation. About why I feel everyday I do nothing but FAIL endlessly. There's nothing I can do right, I'm never good enough, I can't give enough, I don't say anything right, I don't act the way I'm expected to. I always come off as bitchy and angry when inside I'm so so so sad I can't stand it.
Everyday I feel like I'm outside my body observing my actions and my words.
I watch myself standing in the kitchen...flying off the handle and saying stupid shit I don't mean...I watch this maniacal girl lose her marbles as I'm standing there saying, "please stop! this isn't what you want at all!"
But I can't stop because I'm not in control of that girl whose mouth keeps moving and moving.
And when I'm alone...lying in bed.
I feel like there's another me. Like I'm floating above myself...connected by a cord, a rope.
I keep drifting further and further each time and it's harder to come back.
If I'm not feeling disconnected I'm either ridiculously sad or obnoxiously angry. I can't ever be in the middle...it's always an extreme and it takes over my whole body and I talk or I cry with no reason with such force people wonder what the fuck is my problem?
I NEED CONTROL.
I need to own my sphere of existence and move and shape the things within it.
Everything always spins out from underneath me. Because I HAVE NO CONTROL. I'm just kidding myself thinking that I do by my stupid, stupid actions.
And I know this.

I decided....
people rely on depression....because depression never offers rejection.
it'll always take you in...accept you as you are....it's comforting and enveloping...

but that envelopment can become like a deep, dark well...that you can't get out of and no one can hear you.

I'm not perfect. And all I ever want is to be good enough. And for someone to say they're proud of me on the things I HAVE done.
I feel like such a failure. I've let so many people down because I'm not everything they thought I could be.

That's what I told him.

My problems never seem real to them....

it feels like I have to come to them...bleeding out both arms to get the point across.

it shocked them the first time I self-harmed.
but they still acted like it didn't happen....they refute everything I say and turn a blind eye to it.
But when my brother or sister have something....the whole world somehow revolves around them and all my parents want to do IS HELP.
And they try....they talk, they get professionals, they get necessary meds to balance out the neurons that aren't firing quite right.....maybe those things aren't all the right thing to do...but at least they TRY.
But it's never like that with me. I'm just supposed to be OKAY. And when I try to tell them that something in my head is SERIOUSLY not right..and I know it...and I'm scared to death of it. They can't believe it. And they won't.

But now they know that.

We'll see what happens now....

it was just nice to be able to finally spill my guts for once...
without being judged
or interrupted
or told I was wrong
or stupid
or arrogant
or too angry or too emotional
all i have ever been
is sad as hell....and rejected
and like everything i try to build just falls on me...crushing my bones.